The Rosas-Standring Family

Ever since my grandma died this past Spring I have been going back and forth with my feelings about it. I mean, I guess that it is your normal grieving process but I flip all over the emotional spectrum like a bi-polar spaz. My religious and spiritual views tend much more to the Buddhist way of thinking which has always given me a greater sense of peace when death comes knocking. I do not fear death, I do not think it is by any means the end but I do feel a very selfish loss.

I am not sad for my grandmother's death. I know that the body she was in was no longer comfortable for her and was not allowing my INCREDABLY head strong and independent grandmother to be and do the things that she loved.

On one of my later trips - either right before I moved to Mexico or one of my trip back she was working on this beading project from this strange looking necklace she found at one of her favorite little cheap spots. (she had a small collection of stores she always found deals at!) Anyway... I digress...

When I was up at the service my sister-in-law Amme saw the bag of beading that my grandmother had been working on. - Sitting by her chair in the den (a room she had not been in a very long time because of the step that goes into it.) Amme thought of the idea of making a simple beaded bracelet for the great grand kids. I thought that it was a really beautiful idea. My kids love wearing their little wooden bead bracelets. They love knowing that it was grandma greats.


When I left my grandmothers house after the service I noticed that there was my grandmothers robe that she had bought a few months before from her (and mine) favorite consignment shop. When I visited her from Mexico I drove her all over to find new buttons to put on it. We finally found these beautiful star shaped turquoise jeweled start shaped buttons. The robe was hanging on the back of the door - buttons on and pinned waiting to be hemmed.

I asked if it would bother anyone if I took the robe because it made me think of grandma. As the only grand daughter I was sure it would not and I was able to take the robe home.

Well, yesterday the feeling of loss and missing my grandmother completely engulfed me. We have had some strong storms here lately and when I wake up in the morning --VERY VERY early-- it was actually a little cold. I put on my grandmas robe and could feel her eyes when she saw it for the first time. I can almost hear what she would have said about the color, the cute sleeves and the horrible buttons that she would have to change. I just got goose bumps. I used to have a friend that believed goose bumps were the spirits of those that you were thinking about at that moment. I could see it. But for me, I can feel my grandma when sudden wind blows in to the house, especially when I am baking.

I have my grandmother's very old hand mixer and every time I use it I picture her and her perfectly soft and delicate hands. I miss her a lot and I am so glad that there are things around me that I can feel my grandmother on. I can feel her wrapped around me.

Even wearing it now I can hear my grandma telling me that the sleeves are too long and that I need to hem them. She would then tell me that her when she was given her first sewing machine by her mother -in-law that if she only hemmed pants, that the machine would pay for itself. I heard that a lot from my grandma.

I miss her. But I am lucky that I can feel her.