I miss him

Okay, so here I am at the point were my life is going to get very uncomfortable. I have just sold My kitchen table. The strange thing about that was that - my brothers Craig and Ryan (Kevin is of getting ready for deployment) were there and up came this woman- (with her perfectly cut hair and her husband with his perfectly prepared hair) They were very nice- but they came to take the table and I do not know but something inside me was I do not know..... gurgling if you will. My brother Ryan made a funny comment ( he usually makes this is:)) He told them that he spent many a night getting his ass chewed around that table. I guess that kind of went for all of us. Well, tonight at the barn was really special. All of my brothers, Justin and Marcelino were there and it was fun. I guess how you look at things is how you will see it. You know. I have noticed that that is true. When I am scared or nervous or unsure about this situation - it always gets worse when I think and dwell on it. But when I sit back and let life happen. I really think that I will be okay. I mean, that is how we found each other in the first place. we just fell into each other. and once we had each other in our sites.... there was no where to go. Even now, just closing my eyes and thinking about lying in his arms... I could let go of every worry i had in the world, just klinging to that moment in my mind.

You know what, I am so luck to even be able to sit back and write about feeling something as special as I have felt with him. it is so strange, sitting here by myself, in the home I have with the man I love, I can truly feel him. ...

And I really miss him

Craigslist, Ahhhh, craigslist!!!

Okay, so I have spent the entire day bringing most of my to sell items out of the pits of storage to prepare to torture my friends and family into helping me organize for a garage sale. But today- I took pictures of almost ALL of my big ticket items and spent the whole day !!! I am not exaggerating... the whole day (minus taking and getting kids at school- ALL day!) But I think that I finally have the better part of them up there. and the best part is- it has only been a few hours and I am getting a great response. I cannot wait to get most of this stuff out of here. I am at the point where we are going to be leaving so soon that we are going to be eating off the floor if the kitchen table gets sold and on paper plates if the dishes get sold. but oh, I hope they do. I only have a 2 weeks to try to get all of this stuff done. Well, I am off to answer the craigslist adds.

Well, it has finally happend.

Ruben and I have always planned on moving to Mexico. We always knew that if we wanted to get him papers that we would have to pack up the kids and move to Mexico. And that is totally fine. I am even excited. But in this situation, Ruben is not here. He is not sleeping at home in my bed, he is not sneaking up on the kids while they play in the backyard, and he is not standing in the kitchen - picking at all of the food that I made for dinner while I try to get everything on the table. He is not with me. And it is so hard. To have the level of happiness that you can achieve in one day suddenly cut into half. I am not upset at all about the move. I think that the timing is perfect. I mean, the kids are young and very able to adapt to change. They have been nagging us to teach then Spanish. They will be able to pick up the language so quickly, and friends so quickly. Not to mention that we were just about to renew all of the stuff for the business. We would have put down some hefty money and we would have been locked in for 2 years.

I am having a really hard time realizing that I am going to lose my house, my truck, my credit, all of the things that I have worked for are going to be obliterated. And not even because of something that we did. There was no business failure. Even after I lost my job we kept things going really well. And in this market... we were doing okay. But this- this totally hit me from left field.

After realising where he is- I go from scared out of my mind- to angry- so angry. Angry to the point that I was going to let him sit in there for the day or so. But then, after hearing his voice, I wanted him home for me to yell at rather then sitting in jail. Soon it becomes clear, he is not going to be coming home. He is going to be going to Mexico. This was always that crazy, "it could happen" story. And now here I am, in my living room that is full of boxes, clearly labeled for the manje de casa that I will eventually be able to do - once I move with nothing and then request to move there - from there:) and then come and move all of my stuff about a year later. Fun huh. Not to mention the crazy amount of work you have to go through to get all the paper work. We need marriage license and birth certs to be apostle at the capital of the state that issued it. Fine and dandy for here in Oregon, but we have to go to SF switch short form for long form certs and then drive to Sacramento to have a special seal put on it. How crazy is that.

I am much happier and more relaxed now that we have decided that I am going to fly with the kids. Now my biggest worry is to get all of my stuff sold. Well, I had better get on.

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